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You can hide, but you can’t run

You’re right. At first glance, it looks as though I got that familiar phrase backwards, but upon reflection… maybe not so much.

When the stability achieved in a long fought battle against depression is threatened by a growing sense of anxiety, you can try hiding behind a front of false bravado, making excuses to yourself for changing habits and so on, but you simply cannot run away from your own feelings, from that pan of Jello sitting behind your eye sockets.

This anxiety is a double-edged sword, one side honed by the vicious divisiveness and blatant hatred that has erupted out of its hiding places and taken a spot front and center in so many lives, driven by unprecedented changes in the country’s political structure and climate. The other side is honed by the refusal of so many people electing to ignore science and guidance for the Thanksgiving holiday, insisting instead of celebrating as they always have before. I cannot help but imagine this being heralded in the coming weeks as a national super-spreader event, the likes of which have never been seen before.

And the consequences of which may well rival even Stephen King’s imagination.

A couple of days ago, I chose to deactivate my accounts on both Facebook and Twitter, as I felt they were feeding the gnawing anxiety and discontent I’ve been feeling. Then, I came across a very interesting piece on the Opinion page of yesterday’s New York Times (digital edition) –

As the author describes when he encountered on the accounts he monitored, it didn’t strike me so much as startling as it did familiar. He’s describing precisely the things and emotions that let me to step away. Nice to know I’m not alone.

It goes without saying that, with all this going on, I haven’t written a single word in some time now. Will I pick up that pen again and continue? I hope so. I always found writing to be therapeutic and enjoyed the process immensely, so I do hope the Muse will return when the mental battlefield has been cleared of the debris and the bodies it’s currently littered with.

Time will tell, I suppose. It usually does.

I do miss some of the good people I “met” on those accounts – Steph, Stuart, Aly, Ryan, Denise, Bryant… the list goes on, as there are some very good folks out there. The shame of it is the amount of sludge one needs to navigate through to get to those people and see how they’re doing. I do wish them the best.

Well, that’s it. I think my goal in writing this post was twofold. To get it off my chest for one, and to affirm that I’m not dead in the event anyone chooses to go looking.

As always, do sleep well…

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